A letter to my sister in Heaven

Dear Jacq,

Before I say anything else, I love you. I miss you. And I wish so bad that I could’ve said a proper good bye. Hug your neck and do all I could to help usher your right of passage into the next life as gracefully as possible. What I wouldn’t give to have a few more drinks with you, to laugh a little more, and to hopefully help you feel less alone/more known & appreciated in a world that can feel so isolating and cold. Of course I wish I would’ve done this more while you were here & 90% of everyone who knew you would agree, & the other 10% are probably lying. I know you are at rest now. Not only are you at rest, but also at play, a lot of play. There is a part of me that’s jealous and rejoicing for that. You are redeemed and fully healthy. No more lupus. No more divorce. No more inadequacies of any kind, internal or external. No more medications or bankruptcy. Only good times, connection, and excitement as to what God has next for you in a wondrous, adventurous, yet safe world. I celebrate this though I am away from you in body. Inexplicably, I know we are together in spirit.

Can I tell you that everything seems to remind me of you? Like seriously, things I never would’ve associated with you now drip with your essence, haunting me like this ice cycle exposed to direct sunlight that should’ve melted away like all the other ice from the “snowpocalypse” that never happened last weekend. ice-mail-box I can see your aura so clearly now, like the ice that so beautifully encapsulates every tiny branch on the trees when we have these winter storms & shows off their intricacy in one messy, yet coherent picture as the sun reflects off the frozen water (especially in my rear view mirror). Your charm, fervor, prowess with shepherding children, relentless spirit to never give up, and infectious laugh are seemingly ever-present with me despite how much I long to experience them “in the body”. You challenge me to squeeze every ounce out of the life I have left. But my precious sister, it’s just so hard to do so when we miss you so much. When everything seems so insufficient without you being a part of it.

I never knew I could miss you so much (especially considering our proficiency at annoying one another). Also, do you see Mama Grace, Mama Faye, Nanny, Daddy Bill, Paw Paw, Darrel, Leigh & Julie, etc.? Are you already in paradise with me there because your no longer entrapped by time like my mortal body/consciousness still is? What was it like to literally hug Jesus? Have you met C.S. yet? Can you breath underwater or fly? So many questions I’d love to ask. I guess I wrote this down to simply say I hope my love makes it to you, one way or the other, because I can’t stand to think you’d ever feel forgotten or devalued. You are cherished and forever will be. We will do our best to honor your sweet memory. Until next time…

 

With all my love,

Jay.

 

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